Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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