I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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