Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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