Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
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HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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