feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I intend to get homeless drunk
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
