There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
