Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
