I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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