I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
