she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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