She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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