i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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