Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
