i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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