9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
