Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
