Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When are your genitals available?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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