i think my tv is drunk
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
