When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
