I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
