Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
