While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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