Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
