My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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