its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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