Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I lost the right to judge tonight
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
