I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
