if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
