I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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