were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
