My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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