it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You are the jesus of drinking
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
