I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
