the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We talked him into tasing himself.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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