i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
