I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
