I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.