im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
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I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is