I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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