If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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