why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
