I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
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She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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