Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
her vagine was all disorganized.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
