My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
not ubering you a puppy
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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