yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
