toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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