I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
