i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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