So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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