How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
