If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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