If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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