Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
