I wish I only lived at night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
