I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Damn victory sex feels great
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
