the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
