My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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