i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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