Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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