Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
